“OH, HOW CUTE.”
That was my response when a boy from summer camp called to ask my fourth-grade daughter on a date to the movies. Her response was “NO,” followed by running from the phone. To me, this first crush was adorable, but for the young people involved, it was weighty and maybe a little scary.
“Crushes are serious,” says Julia Simens, a family therapist from Lake Tahoe Incline Village, Nevada. Like me, Simens knows from experience. When her son, Grant, was 11, he wrote a children’s book about love in an international elementary school.
“I hadn’t given crushes much thought until Grant opened my eyes to how important they are from a kid’s point of view,” Simens says.
The fact is, Cupid’s arrow can aim at kids as young as 7 or 8. Though it’s easy to trivialize this experience, a child’s emotions are just as real as the fervor adults might experience when infatuated. Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M, a Boston-based family therapist and author of Take Out Your Nose Ring, Honey, We’re Going to Grandma’s says, “Kids can fall in love by all developmental measures as soon as you can begin to measure their feelings. There’s no such thing as puppy love.”
Crushes are a part of life. They can teach kids a lot about relationships and themselves, and they can also be difficult for your child to handle, especially into the pre-teen and teen years.
“When hormones kick in, kids have more of a physical response to a crush and that can be confusing because they’ve already got so much going on emotionally—from trying to figure out their identity to how to fit in socially, academically and within the family,” says Stephanie Haen, a licensed clinical social worker.
Though parents don’t always need to get involved, there are things you can do—and things you should avoid—to help with a young person’s first crush. After counseling hundreds of parents on this issue, and consulting experts who engage with youth regularly, here are some guidelines for managing this tender milestone.
How to Handle Your Child’s First Crush
Have Talks; But Not “The Talk” Only Once
Having an ongoing dialogue with your child from a young age can help prepare them for a crush in the future. Examples of early conversations include being respectful of bodies, our own and others. As they grow into pre-teens, the conversations might include understanding physical responses in our bodies and how to handle peer pressure. Then as teenagers, those conversations may include the topic of sexual exploitation and how sex is not the only way to show someone how much you care for them.
“This is a big change from what it used to be like with kids 10 or 15 years ago,” says Kendrick, who has been in practice for 30 years.
It’s important for parents to be aware of what’s going on and acknowledge it with their children. Kendrick suggests communicating to your child that, “You might feel pressured. But you don’t have to do anything. You need to trust your feelings… And even if you’re a little bit curious, that doesn’t mean you have to say yes.”
To start these conversations with your child, try asking questions and showing curiosity about what they think.
- Childhood question: Have you ever gotten a hug you didn’t really want? How did that feel?
- Pre-teen question: Anything interesting going on between your classmates? Does anyone have a crush on someone?
- Teenage question: Do people still do prom-proposals? Or write notes and leave them in lockers?
These questions might get them thinking about the subjects you would like to discuss, without starting off with a pointed question about their lives. After the conversation is started, share family values around subjects like boundaries, relationships and safe sexual choices. There may be times when a deliberate conversation is necessary, and this can be successful as well! Just be sure your child knows the purpose of the conversation is that you care for their well-being.
Let a First Crush Be a Learning Experience
If your child has a crush and it’s unrequited, don’t trivialize it. Sentiments like “You’ll get over it” or “There are plenty of fish in the sea” are not helpful and could alienate your child from deeper conversation. Instead, give them space to be upset and grieve. When appropriate, stress that rejection is a normal part of life, a normal part of dating and sometimes two people are just not the best fit for each other.
If another young person has a crush on your child and it’s not mutual, the core message is like above – rejection is normal, part of dating, etc. – but you can also empower your child to politely reject any unwanted attention. Encourage your child to identify what they don’t like, give voice to their feelings, and identify their boundaries; for example, “When you keep texting me and I don’t respond, it makes me feel uncomfortable in the classes we have together. I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t text me at all.”
Monitor the Situation
If the crush is reciprocated, there may be affections that could use adult guidance. It’s helpful to set boundaries, such as curfews and limited phone time, to help a young person balance their responsibilities with their social life. If you get the sense that your child is too involved – obsessing about their crush, spending too much time together, not spending time with other friends, or not concentrating on schoolwork – it may be time to have another one of the “talks.”
Maybe their obsessive behavior is something that’s been normalized to them through media consumption. Maybe there is a deeper-rooted issue, like their primary group of friends not liking the crush. Maybe they just really like this person and they don’t even realize it’s a problem. Again, review personal boundaries and encourage them to build a healthy relationship through healthy admiration, not obsession.
What Not To Do For Your Child’s First Crush
Don’t Out Your Child’s Crush
We can all recall how deeply embarrassment stings at a young age, and by keeping the confidentiality of your child you earn their trust. If you and your child have discussed their crush, don’t comment on this subject around their crush or any of their friends. Additionally, don’t make critical comments about their crush after meeting them. If there are red flags you notice, ask your child what they think instead of passing judgment.
“You want your kids to know they can come to you with questions and talk to you without being judged or made fun of,” Haen says.
Don’t Micromanage Your Child’s Love Life
It can be a bad habit for adults to encourage relationships for children, and then discourage relationships for pre-teen and teens. In elementary school it may seem harmless to ask if your child has a girlfriend/boyfriend, and it’s cute to help them give gifts or reach out to their crush. But then middle school hits, and parents tell their children they can’t date until they are a certain age or they “shouldn’t” be trying to date because they are too young.
How confusing is that? When they are young, “imposing your adult-oriented behavior onto the situation can lead your child to go further with a crush than she was wishing or contemplating,” says Kendrick. When they are a bit older, completely limiting their ability to explore relationships does not prepare them for the future. It’s a balance. In elementary school, organized and monitored play dates may be appropriate, while in high school parents can request to get to know their child’s crush with an emphasis on wanting to know the people who are important to them. Both of these strategies give the parents some influence without completely managing a young person’s ability to develop feelings.
Don’t Say Yes to Sleepovers
“Today’s parents struggle with setting limits in general,” says Haen. It’s enticing to be the “cool” parent, but if your child asks to have their crush over for a sleepover, say no. This can be done respectfully, without finding the idea laughable or getting upset that your child asked in the first place. Exploring limitations is a part of growing up, so keep the response neutral by saying something like, “It’s really nice that you like hanging out with that person so much, but a sleepover isn’t going to take place.”
If sleepovers are being requested, that’s a good sign to start including some physical aspects of puberty in “the talks” you have with your children. If they understand why they have these physical reactions and understand the consequences of acting on those feelings, they are more likely to make healthy decisions for themselves.
Sandra Gordon is a journalist and author. Find her at www.sandrajgordon.com
