Making Time For Everyone
I’m a working mother with four children who range in age from 2–12. How can I spend time with each of them without spreading myself too thin?
Dedicate time weekly to each child and encourage the other children to increase their ability to play together or by themselves during this time. In my house, we called this “roomtime.” This serves two purposes: first, it allows you to spend one-on-one time with each child (or even by yourself—don’t forget to make time for you), and second, it allows your children time to appreciate being alone, learn to self-soothe and entertain themselves—which, in the long run, produces more confident and stable adults.
Donnie Van Curen is a licensed marriage and family therapist with Counseling 1820, LLC. 405-823-4302, www.counseling1820.com.
Don’t buy into the idea that children are only happy when they’re entertained. Spend more time with your kids by looking at what you have to do and incorporating them into that chore—kids can help cook, pick up a rag and dust, pull weeds in the garden and get dirty with you outdoors. When it’s time to run errands, bring one child with you and leave the electronics at home; this is a great time for one-on-one conversation and to catch up on what’s happening in your child’s day.
Devonne Carter is a clinical social worker in private practice in Edmond. 405-326-3923, www.carterscounseling.com.
Time has become a scarce resource in today's busy families. With constantly-accessible technology and extracurricular activities—possibly more than one for each child—it can be hard to make time for one another. While there are many "good things" we can find to spend time in, there is only one "best." I encourage you to examine your schedule to determine if any activities can be set aside for a time. This process can be difficult, but time spent with your family is important as well! This emotional investment will pay off in big dividends in respect you have earned from your children.
Kevin Tutty is a licensed professional counselor in private practice. 405-431-6225.
My first thought when I read your question was, “bless your heart”, but my second thought was, “you go girl”! No doubt that there is no one who works harder than a working mom. You have an especially challenging situation because of the 10 year age gap between your oldest and youngest. No doubt you are going to feel spread pretty thin at times, but there are ways to lighten your load. My first suggestion is to schedule times to sit down and have meals at the table together. You all have to eat, and this is a good way to give everyone attention at the same time. It may not be possible to do this every day, and that's OK. Just try to make it a priority. It would be challenging to try to find a game that all of the kids would be interested in, but you could certainly do a movie night once a week that would work for everyone. Ban cell phones and hand held games during this time so you can focus on having fun together. My final suggestion is to schedule individual time with each child once a month. Get them involved in choosing the activity-you provide the choices to keep it fair. Write this on a calendar that they can see so that they will have a visual reminder that they are each individually important and special to you. Hopefully you have a good support system who can help you out with the other kids. Don't forget to schedule some time just for you while you are at it!
Lanet Clark is an elementary school counselor in a metro-area school district.
Reader feedback:
- There’s something to be said for creating memories together as a family. One night a week, turn off the television and play board games as a family. Or four nights a week (one for each kid), let the chosen kid stay up 15 minutes later for one-on-one time with you.
- I would set up an individual, tailor-made “date night” with each of my kids. The day was all about what the child liked to do.
- Try arts and crafts, making pillow and blanket forts, planting together in the garden, homemade treasure maps or set up a tent in the backyard to “camp.” Hope one or two of these ideas stand out to you!
Thanks to Debbie K., Lara G. and Ashley K. for your feedback!
Breaking The Back-Talk
My preschooler constantly talks back. How do I get her to understand respect?
If your daughter doesn’t learn to have respect for you now, she may not respect authority figures at school or legal authorities when she gets older. At preschool age, children will naturally test limits to find boundaries, so this is a great time to teach her about respect by setting consistent, structured boundaries on her behavior. Remember that a lack of consistency will likely lead to more disrespect, so consistency is the key. It might take some time, but it’s worth the effort. After all, it’s easier to train a tiger as a cub than when fully grown!
Kevin Tutty is a licensed professional counselor in private practice. 405-431-6225.
Give your child a consequence when she talks back and tell her, “Our family does not talk back” or “I expect to be respected,” but also follow through with an appropriate consequence. Often, we talk but don’t follow through to show our children we mean business. For an effective lesson, give your child a brief instruction of your expectations for her and follow through with an age-appropriate consequence, such as losing a toy or a time out.
Devonne Carter is a clinical social worker in private practice in Edmond. 405-326-3923, www.carterscounseling.com.
Demand respectful responses like "yes ma’am" or "yes mom" when addressing your child. Ensure that you establish consequences when she talks back so she knows what is expected. Explain to your child, calmly and clearly, the importance of respecting adults and reward her when she does.
Donnie Van Curen is a licensed marriage and family therapist with Counseling 1820, LLC. 405-823-4302, www.counseling1820.com.
Ahh, the preschool years. This time is so exciting because your daughter is learning to be more independent. She is also learning that things don't always go her way, and to her, that is very frustrating. The good news is that kids this age are generally redirected easily, and they can be open to learning how to do things correctly with consistent help from adults. The most important thing you can do when she engages in the talking back behavior is to keep calm. Develop a way of responding to her that you use every time. There is a good book that helps parents with this called 1,2,3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. It is a really simple discipline technique, and it helps you avoid the trap of power struggles that a lot of parents fall victim to. You can read the book on a weekend and start doing it on Monday. Whatever technique you use, keep it simple and be consistent every time. If this behavior happens in public, you may need to leave the situation. You likely won't have to do this too many times before your daughter realizes you mean business. Keep your instructions simple, If you are having a conflict about picking up toys, say “I'd be glad to help you with that if you will ask me nicely.” Model the behavior you want to see. Make sure that everyone who works with your daughter deals with her in the same way. This will bring around change all the faster. Good luck!
Lanet Clark is an elementary school counselor in a metro-area school district.
Our Readers Respond:
- All children need guidelines to live by and they need to learn consequences. Teach them. Guide them. And always tell them you love them.
- Spending time with your kids and leading by example can be the most important key in building a relationship full of trust and respect.
- Read 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2–12 [by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan] It is a great strategy that addresses arguing by children and yelling by parents.
Thanks to Tracy J., Stephanie W. and Liz W. for your feedback!
Dealing With Difficult Adults
My child complains about a teacher at his school, that she snaps at the kids when they ask questions and yells so much that it pushes some kids to tears. I don’t want to interfere (he’s in 5th grade), because I want him to handle the situation and understand that sometimes he will have to deal with difficult people. But is there a point where, as a parent, I should intercede?
As a school counselor for the past 13 years, I’ve worked with many different teachers. All of them have their own personalities and ways of managing their classrooms—from the super sweet and nurturing kindergarten teacher, to the strict and structured sixth grade teacher trying to control students with raging hormones and elementary school’s version of “senioritis.”
I think it’s wise to teach your son that he will need to be able to work with all kinds of different teachers in his school career, because that is certainly the case. In my experience, some kids are so eager to please their teachers that they take every word the teacher says to heart. The teacher may, in reality, be trying to gain order with the entire class, and is not necessarily getting on to your son. With that in mind, listen carefully to what your son is telling you and ask for specifics. When your son says “the teacher yelled at us,” ask him specifically what the teacher said and what was going on in the classroom at the time. Sometimes kids can leave out details that make the situation much clearer upon further investigation. After you hear more of the details, you will know whether or not to intervene.
Lanet Clark is an elementary school counselor in a metro-area school district.
If you think your child is not being treated fairly at school, I would suggest scheduling an appointment to discuss the matter with the teacher. There is more than one side to this story, and your child may be painting a picture that does not include some of his or her behaviors. Getting an accurate picture of the situation will require gaining all perspectives of the event in question. After getting the teacher's input, you can then present the teacher's perspective to your child. You might also ask a parent of a student in the class that you know if their child complains about this teacher. One person is unable to see all sides of an event. On the other hand, if the teacher is not treating your child with disrespect personally, it may be best for your child to not get involved in a negative situation.
Kevin Tutty is a licensed professional counselor in private practice. 405-431-6225.
Definitely you have the right and many times obligation to intercede. As parents our number 1 job is to protect our child. If your child feels insecure at asking questions due to the response and/or personality of this teacher, it could have lasting effects on their ability to interact in future classes and can also affect their self esteem. Please talk to this teacher without your child present, the teacher may not even be aware of the students’ perception.
Donnie Van Curen is a licensed marriage and family therapist with Counseling 1820, LLC. 405-823-4302, www.counseling1820.com.
I find this to be a challenging question. I feel that parents are helicoptering their children and creating the easiest road for their children to go down these days instead of letting them experience the real world. If this teacher is not physically harming any children, then I say this is a great opportunity for your child to experience working with a grouchy boss one day or a coach that had a bad day or a friend that is hurting or a customer who is angry. I would talk with your child about his feelings when the teacher has gotten upset. I would ask the child if they learned anything from this teacher's behavior. I would explain to the child that the teacher might not even realize that the kids thought they were mean, and use this opportunity to teach the child that others are watching his behavior, even when he doesn't know it!
Devonne Carter is a clinical social worker in private practice in Edmond. 405-326-3923, www.carterscounseling.com.
Reader feedback:
- School is a place kids should be safe and encouraged to ask questions. I would visit unannounced to see it for yourself.
- Absolutely intercede. If not you, then who?
- Often written communication works better, so you have written confirmation that the concern was expressed and the teacher’s response.
- Put your concerns in writing and present it to the principal. Come up with a plan of action and both sign it.
Thanks to Kami M., Laura K., Jennifer S., Stephanie M. and Christy R. for your feedback.
