Mom Humor: Next to Nothing for Spring Break - MetroFamily Magazine
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Mom Humor: Next to Nothing for Spring Break

by Heather Davis

Reading Time: 3 minutes 

We will not be traveling anywhere for Spring Break this year. 

With my husband and I both being teachers, Spring Break has always been a wonderful pot of gold at the end of the dreary winter rainbow. In fact, we eloped over Spring Break almost twenty years ago, taking advantage of the week-long vacation that is typically celebrated by scantily-clad co-eds on beaches all over the world. 

Since our wedding and subsequent honeymoon took place over Spring Break, we’ve always had special activities planned over Spring Break. One year, prior to children, we took a road trip to nowhere—just driving until we found a place to stop. Oddly enough, this is exactly how most of our road trips feel after we had our daughters. We’ve visited cabins in the woods. We’ve taken trips to visit family. We’ve slept over at bed and breakfasts. We’ve been to the mountains and to the beach. 

We’re not going anywhere this year, though.

“Oh! A staycation?” you say.

Well, there are lots of things to do within a short car ride—if there is such a thing with kids. We could check out the candle factory, the city museum, the wild horse ranch, the buffalo herd or (shudder) the mall. We’ve already done all of that, and then some. Including the mall (shudder). The truth is, however, that we’re not doing any of that either. 

Nope. No staycation this year. 

This year, when I say we’re going nowhere, that’s exactly what I mean: NOWHERE. 

Between golf and softball and basketball and school and homework and work and youth group and drama club and book club and service club and science club and every other kind of club my kids can join, we’ve not seen the inside of our house, other than to sleep, in a very, very long time. In fact, just last night, my husband looked up at our fireplace mantle and asked when we had gotten the sunflower picture. (Answer: We got it for our wedding.)

Maybe that means he’s unobservant. Or—and this is the theory I’m buying into—we haven’t had a chance to sit down in our own living room in so long that we’ve forgotten what it looks like. In fact, I know this to be true because the cats are growling at us. Okay, fine. The cats have always growled at us. It’s as if they rescued us from a shelter allowing us to live in their home. 

This Spring Break, we plan to not only stay home, but eat at home as well. If you own stock in any fast-food joint, you might wanna sell while the price is still high. I’m not saying we eat out a lot, but the last time we ate at home, we squirted ketchup from a little rectangular packet and got our napkins from the glove compartment in the minivan. 

My kids also have started to request their breakfast “to go.” This only bothers me a little bit since our mornings are so rushed after our late nights. 

So our Spring Break plans? Nothing. But nothing doesn’t come without preparation. 

First, I plan on disabling all clocks, morning alarms and other such time-keeping devices. When I say we are doing nothing, that’s exactly what I mean. We don’t plan on waking up until our bodies wake us up. And if we want to take a nap in the middle of the day? By golly, that’s what we’re going to do.

Next, I’m creating a week’s worth of freezer meals for the slow cooker. Who am I kidding? I’m not going to do that. I’m going to, instead, buy a week’s worth of freezer meals for the slow cooker. If a meal requires more than heating up or simmering, it’s requiring too much. I also plan on having a loaf of bread, a brand new jar of peanut butter and a brand new jar of grape jelly on hand as well. If all else fails, putting together a good ol’ fashioned PB and J will suffice for a week’s worth of meals, right? (That’s a rhetorical question—don’t answer it.)

How does my family feel about my do-nothing plan? They are all for it. All too often in our busy lifestyle, we forget that we need some down time. Just some time to rest … some time to be. So, when I announced my plan for us to be home and do nothing for Spring Break, their collective sigh was audible even to our neighbors. There’s just one part of my plan they didn’t buy into.

They totally nixed my plan to go naked for the whole week. 

So, I guess, when Spring Break is over, we’ll still have to do laundry. But, that’s another argument for another break.

Heather Davis is a momma, writer, blogger and humorist. She and her family live in Oklahoma, where she blogs about her antics at www.minivan-momma.com.

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