There may be no conversation a parent fears more than asking, “Are you thinking about hurting yourself?” It’s a question many parents hope they will never have to ask—but mental health experts say asking directly, calmly, and without judgment can save a child’s life.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death for 10- to 19-year-olds, and it affects people of all backgrounds. But most children and adolescents who attempt suicide show warning signs, and it is vital that families are aware of these signs and discuss concerns.
UNDERSTANDING SUICIDE
According to research by Nationwide Children’s Hospital, suicide attempts are far more common than deaths by suicide, but any suicidal behavior is serious and can have lasting consequences. Most teens who are suicidal do not actually wish to die, but they are in severe emotional pain and want the pain to stop. They may not know how to move forward and are unsure if there are ways to feel better.
The good news is that suicides are largely preventable through early identification, timely treatment, and support from families, schools, friends, and communities.
Suicide exists on a spectrum. From thoughts about dying (suicidal ideation) to suicide attempts and death by suicide, experts emphasize that any mention of suicide should be taken seriously and deserves immediate attention. While the prevalence of mental health disorders and rates of suicide increase as children grow older, recent research suggests that about five percent of 9- and 10-year-olds have experienced thoughts of suicide.
Myth: Talking about suicide puts the idea in a child’s head.
Fact: Research consistently shows asking directly does not increase suicidal thoughts.
For children who have a hard time admitting they need help, having a conversation sends the message that a parent cares about them and that asking for help is okay.
SEE THE SIGNS
When a child talks about or posts online about wanting to die or hurt themselves on purpose, it’s important that family members, caring adults, and friends respond. Often, children expressing such ideas are experiencing emotional distress and may not know the tools to use to help them through these experiences.
The following warning signs, provided by Nationwide Children’s Hospital, indicate that a youth is severely depressed or at risk for suicide and should be responded to:
■ Talking to others or posting on social media about suicide or wanting to die, or feeling hopeless, trapped, or like they are “a burden” to others
■ Looking for ways to kill themselves by gathering medications, sharp objects, or firearms, or searching online for ways to end their life
■ Expressing unbearable emotional pain
■ Reaching out to people to say “goodbye”
■ Giving away prized possessions
■ Suddenly becoming calm or cheerful after a long period of depression
The following warning signs indicate that a youth may be struggling with depression, which requires evaluation by a professional:
■ Feeling sad or irritable more often than not
■ Sleeping or eating more or less than usual
■ Showing little to no interest in activities
■ Withdrawing from others
■ Participating in reckless behavior
■ Engaging in self-injurious behavior
There are also risk factors that may make some people more vulnerable to suicide that families and parents should keep in mind. According to Child Mind Institute, a family history of suicide, bullying, and access to things like firearms and pills can all be factors that may put a child at risk.
KNOWING THE AGE DIFFERENCE
Ages 3–6
Can young children understand death? Should you mention suicide to them? What if they overhear adults talking? How honest should I be?
Questions like that are asked by parents all the time. Experts advise using simple language when talking to young children and avoiding euphemisms like “went to sleep.” Make sure to reassure children that they are safe, and encourage questions.
Ages 7–10
Kids this age may hear about suicide at school or on YouTube. Now, parents might have more questions like: What if my child hears about suicide at school? How much detail should I give? Can talking about suicide plant the idea?
Experts say that talking about suicide does not increase suicidal thoughts, and that it’s important to correct misinformation. Ask them what they’ve heard and go from there.
Ages 11–13 (Tweens)
What if my child mentions self-harm? How do I know if they’re joking? When should I worry?
At this stage, parents should familiarize themselves with the warning signs and ways to help with emotional regulation. Check online influences and peer pressure, but make sure your child knows they are loved and can receive help.
Ages 14–18 (Teens)
Parents of teens know that emotions are complicated and understanding them can be even more difficult. Questions like, “Should I ask directly if they’re thinking about suicide?” or “What if they say yes?” can float around.
Experts recommend asking directly and calmly. Listen without judgment. Take every mention seriously and seek professional help immediately if needed.
College Age/Young Adults
Your child has now probably moved out of the house at this stage—how can you tell if they’re struggling? How often should you check in?
Show interest and be supportive. Be direct, and ask them if they are considering suicide or have a plan. Don’t be judgmental, give advice, or try to talk them out of suicide (and don’t swear to secrecy).
WHAT TO DO NOW?
Say you’ve approached your child directly about where they are mentally. You’ve taken an important first step! Here are some questions to ask your child:
“How have you been feeling lately?”
“I’ve noticed you’ve been down; can you tell me more about that?”
“It seems like you’ve been sad more often. Did something happen at school?”
“Sometimes when people are feeling the way you are, they think about suicide—have you ever had those thoughts before?”
What not to say: “You have nothing to be sad about,” “Other kids have it worse,” “You’re just looking for attention,” and “Don’t be dramatic.”
Instead, say: “I’m glad you told me,” “I’m here with you,” and “We’re going to figure this out together.”
Another great step is to create a safety plan. After expressing thoughts of suicide, creating a plan with your child for those days when they’re having suicidal thoughts or feeling sad and lonely can be important. Take practical safety measures like removing access to guns and conducting room checks. Also, look for ways to lean into the things they love or avoid things that aren’t helpful. If you believe your child is in immediate danger of hurting themselves, call emergency services or seek immediate medical help.
If your child has never been to therapy but is open to the idea, this could be a great time to start! While having conversations at home will help you better understand where your child is at, a licensed therapist who specializes in child psychiatry and mental health can help make sense of your child’s emotions and work one-on-one with your family.
Not quite ready for this step? That’s okay! Speaking to a pediatrician or a primary care provider can be another great step for navigating where your child is at and accessing helpful resources in your area.
PREVENTION & RESOURCES
By educating ourselves, we can learn what puts kids at the greatest risk for suicide and what protects them. Awareness of risk factors and warning signs, making ourselves available, and helping children understand that help is always available are key roles in building a child’s mental health.
Parents should seek immediate help if a child talks about wanting to die or kill themselves, has a plan or access to lethal means, gives away possessions or says goodbye, expresses hopelessness or feeling like a burden, or shows sudden, dramatic behavioral changes after a period of depression.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department. Anyone experiencing emotional distress or concerned about someone else can also contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 for immediate support.
Parents don’t need to have perfect answers. They simply need to be willing to ask hard questions, listen without judgment, and remind their children that they never have to face life’s hardest moments alone.
