Editor’s note: This column is the first in a series of four by the experts at local nonprofit Honestly, Inc. to empower families and caregivers to talk to their kids, in developmentally-appropriate ways, about sexual health. Each column will focus on a different age range of child and provide ideas of topics to cover, conversation starters and resources.
As parents and caregivers, talking about sexuality at every phase of development is an important part of raising healthy kids. Although many teens receive basic sex education in school, it is important for parents to supplement what their children are learning by conveying family values and taking advantage of teachable moments that might help young people apply what they have learned.
At every phase, our kids’ brains are growing and changing. As they grow, they become more and more capable of building upon lessons learned during early childhood, and they are gaining more of the skills they will need to be healthy, thriving adults. During the teen years, specifically between the ages of 13 and 19, young people are more capable of abstract thinking, forming their own ideas and considering different points of view.
Key talking points
When it comes to sexual health, the teen years are a good time to help the young people in our lives to:
- Think about their future. For example, what kinds of intimate relationships do they want to form? What does it look like to have a healthy relationship?
- Clarify their values around sexual health and think about how they can best live lives that reflect those values.
- Learn how to take care of themselves both physically and emotionally.
- Think about how to become the people they want to be for themselves and how to be good intimate partners for others.
Conversation starters
At every developmental stage, parents and caregivers should be having conversations about healthy relationships, consent, anatomy and puberty. During the teen years, these conversations might cover:
Healthy Relationships
What does it take to build a healthy relationship?
Young people at this age may become more interested in having romantic relationships with their peers. It is important that they understand what it takes to have healthy relationships when they start to date. Talk to them about healthy communication (including how to engage in and resolve conflicts), having respect for relationship partners and developing healthy ideas about intimacy (not just sex).
What are some of the signs of an unhealthy relationship? How do I get help if I am in an unhealthy relationship?
Sometimes teens can find themselves involved in unhealthy relationships. This may involve power imbalance where one or both partners controls or manipulates the other to get what they want; disrespectful or harmful communication like persistent arguing, belittling or shaming and even physical violence. Make sure teens know they can talk to you or other trusted adults in their lives to get help. Have these conversations before kids begin dating so they have a plan for exiting unhealthy relationships.
Consent
What is consent as it relates to sexual intimacy?
When children are younger, the concept of consent can be taught by letting them know they don’t have to give or receive affection such as hugs or kisses — even to relatives — if they are uncomfortable doing so. This sets a good foundation for how teens give and receive consent when they engage in intimate relationships. Teach kids that consent is required for all forms of intimacy. According to Planned Parenthood, consent is as easy as FRIES! In other words, consent is:
- Freely given: no one has been pressured or manipulated into participating.
- Reversible: either partner can decide to stop at any time, even once a sexual act has begun.
- Informed: everyone should agree to the terms of intimacy (for example, intercourse can only happen if a condom is used).
- Enthusiastic: you only engage in the intimate acts you really want to engage in and can decline to participate in activities that make you uncomfortable or are not desired.
- Specific: just because you agree to one specific activity doesn’t mean you consent to all activities (for example, just because I’m OK with kissing doesn’t mean I agree to have intercourse).
Anatomy and Puberty
What are the parts of my reproductive system and what do they do?
Teens may become more curious about their bodies and how they work, especially as it relates to sex. Talk to your kids about how their bodies may respond to sexual stimulation and how to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including abstinence and different forms of contraception.
How do I take care of my reproductive health?
As your kids grow, they need to learn more about how to keep their bodies clean and healthy. Ongoing conversations about healthy eating, exercise, good hygiene and self-care are important at this and every stage. There are many free and low-cost resources where teens can get tested for STIs and address other reproductive health concerns like urinary tract infections (UTIs), yeast infections or menstrual health.
Pornography and Sexually Explicit Media
This is a tough conversation for many parents to even think about having, but the truth is, our kids are living in a different world than the one we grew up in. If your child has a cell phone, a computer or tablet with internet access, the reality is they have probably come across some form of pornography, whether intentionally or inadvertently. Even movies, TV shows and commercials can sometimes contain sexually suggestive content. Use this as an opportunity to discuss and reinforce your family’s values around sex and relationships, teach about consent and establish open, shame-free communication about sex and bodies. Also, set up parental controls on your children’s devices and have conversations with your kids about your expectations for how they use the internet and consume media.
Resources for Parents of Teens Books
- 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+: Empowering Your Child with Knowledge of Sexual Intimacy
- It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley
- My Body, Myself by Lynda Madras
- Got Teens? The Doctor Moms’ Guide to Sexuality, Social Media and other Adolescent Realities by Logan Levkoff, Ph.D. and Jennifer Wider
Websites and Video Resources
- Sex Positive Families: sexpositivefamilies.com
- Amaze: youtube.com/c/amazevids
Find more resources for parents and caregivers at honestlyokc.org. Find the full series of Talking to Kids About Sex articles, plus a podcast with expert advice on how to handle topics like consent, puberty and pornography, at metrofamilymagazine.com/
