Cindy and David Kincaid can’t stand the thought of any child feeling unloved or unwanted. As a foster family, they have met the harsh realities of children who’ve endured trauma with love and compassion. With almost a decade of fostering experience, the Kincaid family has opened their hearts and home to more than 40 children, providing a safe haven for kids in need of respite and stability.
After several years of traditional foster care, the Kincaids became Enhanced Foster Care parents, serving children who have experienced profound trauma, abuse or neglect. With the support of their Oklahoma Human Services team and church family, the Kincaids have gained even more than they’ve given.
“This is the most rewarding thing you will ever do,” said Cindy. “You have to be prepared for the ugly, but it is so worth it to get to the beauty of it. These kids are angels that just need someone to care for them.”
What is Enhanced Foster Care (EFC)?
Enhanced Foster Care (EFC) addresses the intricate needs of children facing behavioral, medical, developmental and mental health challenges, offering supports beyond what traditional foster care can provide. The children served typically have undergone deep-rooted trauma.
EFC stabilizes placements for these children within family-based settings while providing the additional assistance and resources necessary for them to heal and thrive. EFC equips foster families like the Kincaids with the tools and wraparound supports integral to navigating these challenges.
“Most of the time, there’s a lot of anger involved,” said Cindy of children in EFC. “They are angry at the world, angry at you and angry at themselves. You have to be prepared to deflect that anger. And EFC gives you the tools and services to help. You have to be prepared to love the kid no matter what.”
Beginning the foster care journey
The Kincaids were inspired to become foster parents after a series of life-altering events. A blended family, they talked briefly about fostering early in their marriage. But then Cindy’s son tragically passed away when he was just 15. A few years later, the Kincaids were unexpectedly asked to adopt a baby boy, a blessing they readily accepted. Then, Cindy’s great-nephew went into custody.
“That was the catalyst,” said Cindy. “We thought our family was complete, but we couldn’t leave him to be raised by strangers.”
After that kinship placement and several years of traditional foster care, the Kincaids felt called to provide a higher level of support through EFC.
“It seemed like nobody wanted these kids,” said Cindy. “You have to have the mindset that these kids come from ugly backgrounds but that doesn’t define them.”
The Kincaids went through Oklahoma Human Services’ intense training program, which focuses on parenting children from trauma and understanding and coping with challenging behaviors.
They have faced their fair share of trials with the children in their care, from verbal and physical aggression to instances of self-harm and property damage. None of those behaviors are surprising considering the levels of abuse, neglect and trauma the children have withstood. Patience and stability are key to helping kids make positive changes.
“They need someone to explain that the way they were raised was not appropriate, that it’s not their fault and that it is going to get better,” said Cindy. “They need to know they are safe.”
Strict routines have been especially important for the children, as are regular counseling appointments, which can even be provided in the home through EFC. Extracurricular activities give them a positive outlet for their energy or aggression.
While any foster family who takes placement of a child who qualifies for EFC may receive services, Cindy recommends families interested in EFC begin with traditional foster care and work their way toward EFC. She cautions parents not to think of themselves as heroes, swooping in to save children, and to understand the challenges that come along with EFC in particular.
“These children are not victims,” said Cindy. “If you give them a victim mentality, they will live in that. They do not have to be a victim of their circumstances. My children are survivors.”
The intricacies of Enhanced Foster Care
The Kincaids are committed to the long-term stability of the children in their care, but they’ve realized sometimes they aren’t the right fit for a child. Twice they’ve asked for a child for whom they could not provide appropriate care to be removed.
Cindy grieves the loss of each child when they leave her home, whatever the circumstances. She also grieves that while some of the children she’s cared for make miraculous recoveries, others will never fully work through the trauma they’ve endured.
“My son came from an absolutely horrible background, but he has done a complete turnaround,” said Cindy. “He’s now a beautiful, Godly man full of charisma and charm. But others continue to struggle, and they are struggles I can’t understand. You can’t love the trauma out of them; you just keep supporting them.”
The Kincaids have adopted five children with plans to adopt two additional children currently in their care. Their older son, adopted at birth, has lived the decade-long fostering journey with his parents, and Cindy and David check in with him regularly to gauge his mental health and emotional capacity.
“It has to be a family effort,” said Cindy. “We’ve always told him when he’s ready or if he is uncomfortable, we will stop. But he always says ‘one more kid’ because he can’t stand to see a child not wanted either. He’s made sacrifices but he’s stronger for it.”
Bridging with biological families
Building relationships with the biological families of the children in EFC can be more challenging because of the trauma the children have undergone. But when it’s safe to do so, preserving the relationship between child and parent can be especially vital to both parties’ healing.
“You have to have empathy because many of these kids have been so damaged and you want to blame the parent, but that’s not your place,” said Cindy. “There are often outside influences. A simple change of fate could put any of us in those situations. You have to step in, even in the most heinous of cases, with a little bit of compassion.”
Cindy and David don’t attend court hearings, an intentional choice they’ve made to distance themselves from the difficult details of the cases. Cindy says that helps them remain focused on the children and allows them to be more straightforward with and supportive of their biological families as they take the court-ordered steps to reunify with their children.
The Kincaids remain in lifelong relationships with about half of the kids who’ve been in their care, hosting them over weekends and providing continued support to their parents or caregivers.
“If the kids can go home, that is my ultimate goal,” said Cindy. “Sometimes with EFC, family ends up not being the best option, but when you can make it work, I love seeing the kids back with their parents or grandparents.”
How you can help
For those who can’t foster themselves, there are plenty of ways to support foster families. Members of the Kincaids’ church provide respite care, meals and clothing for the kids; they also help get kids to appointments and cheer them on at ball games. Most importantly, they have loved the children even when their behaviors have been unlovable.
”The biggest obstacle is humbling yourself enough to ask for help,” said Cindy. “If you’re going to do EFC, you need to have your support system in place first, people who will just notice what you need and step in.”
Learn more about becoming a foster family or supporting foster families at okfosters.org.
Editor’s note: This article is part of a series in partnership with Oklahoma Human Services about foster care in our state. Find the full series at metrofamilymagazine.com/
