The “Wonder Years,” entering middle school, is met with great anticipation and more than a little anxiety for new students and their parents. Setting some important ground rules of what to expect at home will go a long way towards increasing everyone’s confidence in navigating middle school.
Study the culture. Parents might consider taking a copy of Louise Bates Ames’s book Your 10-14 Year Old to the pool (in a brown wrapper). Find out all that you can about this age group—you will be glad you did. Don’t buy into the stereotype of sullen and emotionally “raging” young people! Continue to treat your tween with respect and establish your own standards of acceptable and unacceptable voice tone and behavior.
Reinforce responsibilities. Tweens who learn responsibility early will have an easier transition to the larger demands of middle school, where they are expected to act more independently than ever before. You still have some summer left to help them learn and firmly develop new habits of taking care of their things and helping around the house.
Pace privileges. Utilize the three years of middle school to work up to privileges. If you hand them out too soon, your tween will still ask for more! Start them out small and give them hope that the privileges will increase as they demonstrate readiness. Some privileges to sort out before your child starts to ask: TV, mall, movie and video ratings, “hanging out,” make up, boy/girl relationships, and clothing choices.
Dismantle the “apartment.” If you haven’t felt it yet, get ready for your tween to pull away from you a bit. Make sure that their bedroom is not more compelling than the “common areas” in your home. Strongly consider having the computer in an open family area so you can effectively monitor the time and use of this technology. Help your child to balance alone time and time with family and friends.
Structure study time. Before school starts, sit down with your soon-to-be sixth grader and help them develop a plan of academic goals and the steps to achieve those goals. Post a time for study throughout the week rather than just when they have tests or projects due. Offer to help them with organization by making them accountable to once-weekly agenda checks. By planning ahead before homework starts, you both can be more proactive about schoolwork and avoid the nagging, avoidance, anger cycle that drags down so many families.
Invest in your relationship. Your acceptance is very important to your child. Actively seek out ways to connect by sharing time and by showing your interest in their life. Don’t dread these preteen years. Find ways to prepare for and celebrate them!
Dr. Lisa Marotta is a licensed Clinical/School Psychologist in private practice within the Offices of Paul Tobin and Ann Benjamin. She works primarily with young children and their families, and facilitates groups for building social skills and preparing for middle school. Dr. Marotta and her husband Sal live in Edmond with their tween and teen-age daughters.