Taming Your Spirited Child
Dr. Michael Popkin knows children. Dr. Popkin’s latest book, Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting Challenging Children Without Breaking Their Spirits (Fireside/Simon and Schuster) will be the focus of MetroFamily Magazine’s Parent University, scheduled for November 13 (click here for tickets). This innovative approach for working with children who seem more temperamental than others follows eight core steps (leadership, prevention, relationship, power, structure, discipline, problems, and resources), defined as “planks” for building an effective parenting strategy. We recently talked with Dr. Popkin about this book and his methods.
 
MFM: What is your definition of a spirited child?
MP:     Spirited children are born with a temperament that is more intense in at least five key areas. I use the acronym CAPPS to describe them, because they seem to live life in “capital” letters. CAPPS stands for Curious, Adventurous, Powerful, Persistent, and Sensitive.
 
MFM: What led you to these spirited children?
MP:     I have been writing parent education books, videos, and programs for over 25 years under the name Active Parenting. During that time, many parents have said that although they love the information and methods, they have children who are more difficult to manage than the examples we show in our videos. I’ve always wanted to address these more challenging children, but felt that the usual labels were too negative: difficult, rebellious, non-compliant, oppositional defiant, and the like. The term “spirited” has been around for hundreds of years, but has only recently been used to describe a type of child who required particular parenting skills. I like that it not only suggests a challenging child, but also one who has a lot of potential. I stress in the book that if you can bring out the best aspects of this temperament, spirited children can become very successful in life.
 
The term does not encompass medical conditions such as autism, ADD, and bipolar disorder. However, the methods that I teach in the book can be used with any condition as part of a comprehensive treatment plan. Additionally, there are many spirited kids whose parents mistakenly believe they are ADD or something else and rush to get them on medication. I’m not against medication for the right reasons, but spirited kids can be tamed without them.
 
MFM: It seems like parents walk a tightrope with a spirited child. Too much discipline and they exacerbate the problem; too little and the child runs amuck. How can parents find and keep the balance?
MP:     The challenge facing parents of spirited children is how to help them use these five traits to succeed in life and make a useful contribution, rather than being constantly at odds with authority and others. Taming, rather than breaking, their spirit requires a combination of eight different areas of parenting, of which discipline is only one. Setting and enforcing limits in ways that decrease power struggles requires a mixture of several of these skills.
 
MFM: For some, the idea of “taming” has a negative connotation; how did you come to use the term to describe your techniques?
MP:     I use the term “taming” as it was presented in the classic children’s story, The Little Prince, by Antoine St. Exupery. In the story, the little prince has left his home planet to explore the universe when he comes to Earth and meets a fox. Being lonely from his long journey he wants to play with the fox, but the fox says he can’t because he isn’t tame. When asked what that means, to “be tame,” the fox replies that it is a task too often neglected and that it means, “to establish ties.” Taming spirited children is about building or rebuilding the relationship between the parent or teacher and the child. It does involve discipline, but discipline does not occur in a vacuum. It always occurs within the context of the relationship. When the relationship is based on conflict and discord, discipline is very challenging. There are eight planks in what I call a “taming corral” that parents and teachers need to be mindful of with spirited children, only one of which
is discipline.
 
MFM: What types of limits work best with a spirited child?
MP:     The key to discipline with spirited children is to avoid either fighting or giving in. Both approaches play into the child’s excessive desire for power and make problems worse. Instead, parents need to set reasonable limits with the child, and then enforce them using discipline that is logical, calm, and proactive. I teach a number of these methods in the book but, again, stress that discipline never occurs in a vacuum. It always occurs within the context of the relationship. When that relationship is characterized by anger and hostility, discipline is much more difficult. To counter the natural tendency of relationships between parents and spirited children to degenerate, I also stress concrete ways to win the child over and build a positive relationship through such skills as communication, encouragement, family enrichment, and cooperative problem solving.
 
MFM: Can you explain what you mean by “structure” (as referred to in plank 5)?
MP:     Just as a horse wrangler uses the structure of a corral to tame a wild horse, spirited children benefit from clear limits to their behavior. These limits, or structures, are of three kinds: time, space, and behavior. Time structures include things like having a regular bedtime routine, morning routine, homework time, and the like. Space structures include guidelines for picking up after yourself, keeping the house neat, where you can play, and where you can go to cool down when you get upset. Structures for behavior are about developing reasonable rules for governing behavior. Being clear and consistent with these structures gives the child a sense of security, even as he challenges them. It is the absence of clear limits and structure that is so overwhelming and leads to increased misbehavior.
 
MFM: For what ages do you find these techniques most helpful? Does it benefit younger and older children alike?
MP:     Although the techniques apply to all ages and I’ve tried to give examples at varying ages throughout the book, there are some differences in how to apply them. Younger children respond more to action than words. As they get older, it is important to include them more and more in the problem solving using the communication skills presented. This is a general principle, however, as even young children need to be taught how to use words to express feelings and to solve problems. And teens still need to know that there are consequences for misbehavior and not just words.
 
MFM: What can parents and teachers attending the seminars in November expect to walk away with?
MP:     Well, I hope they will walk away with a copy of the book! On a serious note though, I will help them to understand the five characteristics of spirited children and how to determine if they have one or are working with one. They’ll also leave with an understanding of the eight-sided taming corral and the methods for building each side. These are the skills needed for teaching spirited children to live within the limits of a situation and how use their special gifts positively to succeed in life and make a contribution. They won’t be able to master all of these skills in the time we have together, but they will gain some concrete skills and a lot of knowledge.
 
Details & tickets to MetroFamily Magazine’s Parent University featuring Dr. Popkin are available at: http://www.metrofamilymagazine.com/newsletter/newsletter_view.asp?newsid=1195&catid=0&active=1&mode=current
Space is limited!
 
MetroFamily Magazine Assistant Editor Mari M. Farthing, originally from Wisconsin, lives in Oklahoma City with her husband and two children. Being a mommy is her full-time job and writing maintains her sanity.