by Louise Hajjar Diamond

The kids are back in school and spending most of their time away from home and parents. Between school, clubs, sports, friends, and other activities, preteens are busy and on the go. Sometimes parents and kids aren’t really relating to each other even when they are spending time together. If we’re not purposeful, we can miss out on talking and listening to our kids.

It is more important than ever for parents to connect with their pre-adolescent and adolescent children. It is during these years when kids are looking for guidance to potentially life-altering topics. Children in this age group are beginning to form their own values and beliefs. Before leaving elementary school, kids need and want to talk to their parents about relevant topics. Preteens long for guidance from their parents and they do value their opinions, judgement, and most of all, their example.

As a middle school guidance counselor, I’ve had many kids tell me that the most they wanted from their parents was to spend time with them. Preteens and young teens want their parents to really know them as individuals. Kids want to be accepted for who they are and for what they will become. They want to know what their parents think about difficult issues such as smoking, drugs, drinking, and sex. Kids have questions and they want answers from their parents. Even when it seems like kids aren’t listening, they are. Moms and dads are the greatest influence in the lives of their children. Here are some ideas on staying connected and really relating with your child.

Use Time Wisely
Many adolescents feel their families don’t listen or understand them. There is a definite relationship between adolescents who make poor choices and those who have poor communication with their parents.

Family time should be cherished. It seems that parents and young teens are going in opposite directions most of time. After all the basic needs are met, the homework is done, and the activities are completed, there is little time for fun and relating to each other. So make the most out of small and simple moments with your kids. Get to know them without making assumptions about their perceptions, accomplishments, needs, and desires.

Select activities and outings with your kids where talking and listening can take place.Television and movies may be helpful if they will act as a springboard for conversation. Don’t miss out on these chances. Sharing an after school snack or meal, folding laundry, or cooking can be perfect opportunities for conversation. Whenever and wherever you’re alone and relaxed with your preteen can be a great chance to relate and connect.

What to Say
Have the courage to bring up tough topics with your growing child. Talk to your kids about the consequences of choices that can harm them. Ask your kids if anyone has ever approached them about smoking or using illegal drugs. Let your kids know how you feel about them using these substances. Resist getting angry if your child tells you he’s already tried something harmful. Teach your kids about the dangers of tabacco, alcohol, drugs, weapons, and sex. They need to know the facts from you. Consistently remind them that they can come to you anytime with a problem or just to talk. Be receptive and listen.

Present open-ended questions, like those below, to your preteen. Try to avoid statements or questions that may make your child respond in a single word answer which inhibits conservation.
* What did you and your friends do at the party (concert, or game)? Who was there?
* How do you feel about kids smoking (using drugs, alcohol, and having sex)? What do you think you would do if you were asked to smoke, etc.?
* What did you learn from this experience?
* How did you feel when your friend (teacher, coach, crush) didn’t include you?
* Is there something you’d like to tell me or ask me?

Such open-ended questions allow you to understand what your kids are thinking, doing, and feeling. You’ll also have a chance to tell them how you feel about certain important subjects. Remind them that you were once their age. You can share experiences of your youth if you think it will help your child grow and learn.

Be Positive
Preteens and teenagers still need the guidance and support from their parents to gain the skills necessary to make healthy choices. The best tool parents can give adolescents is healthy self-esteem. Self-confidence and healthy self-esteem are fostered by open and positive communication between parent and child.

By staying connected with your kids and being a positive role model, you’ll provide your children with the tools they need to arm themselves for peer pressure and negative influences. They will be prepared to face and handle the tough situations they’re bound to encounter during the middle and high school years.

Louise Hajjar Diamond is a guidance counselor, freelance writer, and mother of two.