What are you wearing right now?

Did I catch you in your velour tracksuit? Or your favorite holy sweats you wear religiously about four days a week? Hey, I know it’s Monday and it’s snowing outside, but if you’re dressed like that and would be willing to leave the house in it, you could be a schlumpa-dinka.

Oprah, whom I talk about as if she’s my B/F/F, coined the term years ago and every month or so drags in the “experts” to help us get out of our sweatpants, pony-tail rut. I know since I started working from home twenty months ago, I have way more schlumpa-dinka days than I used to in the corporate world.

Back to Oprah To The Rescue. This time a fashion expert named Lloyd gives us 10 Must-Haves in Our Wardrobe. I love headlines like this because it makes me feel like I’m in on a big secret that only people like Cameron Diaz and Angelina Jolie are privy to, when in reality, people like that can get away with wearing any darn thing they want and still look fab.

So here goes:
1.    Trench coat. (I think I may have seen like, one of these mulling around Edmond. I know they are in stores, but swear I can’t find even fashionable women in OK wearing them. Are we really that out of style?)
2.    Black turtleneck. And get yo’self a white one, too. Check.
3.    Great black trouser. I’m on a roll. I already have great black trousers, but I noticed yesterday in church the seam is starting to rip out. Maybe on second thought, not so great trousers.
4.    Tunic. Woo-hoo. I have one of these but it’s black with silver sequins. I have a disco playing on my chest every time I wear it. Probably not what Lloyd had in mind.
5.    White jeans. Okay, now I’m confused. I thought white makes us look bigger and we are supposed to stick to black??? And, seriously, anyone who suggests a mom with young kids wear white is just mad. MAD!!!
6.    Dark jeans. That’s better. But he does say lose all those “Bruce Springsteen” colored jeans that fall in between. Yikes. There goes my jeans collection. I do have one dark pair that fit before my second child came along. Woot! But that was eight years ago. Drat.
7.    Black dress. Done and done. And he said it doesn’t have to be a “little” black dress. Ding, ding, ding, ding. So I’ll just dress like I’m always going to a funeral and I’ll practically morph into Sarah Jessica Parker.
8.    White denim jacket. Lloyd, we discussed this. Toddler? Sticky fingers? Aversion to scrubbing stains all day?
9.    Black skirt. More memorial wear. Love it! I’ve got at least two. I’ll just rotate wearing them every other day. I’m sure no one would notice.
10.    Timeless cashmere sweater. Lloyd says you can get them even at JC Penney. I’ll take his word on that, because besides the one Isaac Mizrahi, semi-sorta-cashmerish piece I bought at Tarjay years ago is now fuzzier than my dot’s stuffed animals. I doubt the word “fashionable” is the word that comes to mind when you see me in it. Which is why you won’t. Ever.
11.    Oh, with those basics pair t-shirts, tank tops (any color!) and “pops” of color in your shoes and/or handbag but no matchy-matchy people! Will look too obvious. And fashionable people are never obvious about it, are they?

Thanks, O! I’ll never be a schlumpa-dinka again. Except that right now I’m wearing my husband’s orange hoodie paired with some beige pants and ivory slippers. But I swear I won’t leave the house in it!

Let’s break here to work on the “inside”, shall we? That being, of course, our spirit, whom my favorite spiritual guru, the big O, cares so much about that she’s even named her next book club pick “A New Earth: Awakening To Your Purpose” by Eckhart Tolle. Now, so far it’s the fastest selling Oprah Book Club pick ever, with more than 4 million books in print and more than a half mill signed up for her online workshops (webcasts) which starts tonight at 8 p.m. central. And they’re FREE! I’m big on self-improvement, loved every single one of my philosophy classes in college and get some sort of new agey high with every a-ha moment I experience, so it’s a no-brainer I’d read the book, start a book club and threaten the kids with no TV the rest of the week if they don’t let me watch the webinar in peace. Peace! That’s the point of Eckhart’s book: how to get to Awareness and live in peace. The book has way bigger words than that and the parts on parenting (starting at about page 97) make so much sense I swear I’ve been doing it all wrong the last eleven years. But there’s hope for me yet! And you too. Treat yourself to some “me time” and jump on the enlightened bandwagon. I think you’ll be glad you did.

Next week? Visit again next week when we talk about some great Spring Reads and Must-see movies.