Parents of elementary and preschool-age children might think they can skip this article because talking to their kids
about sex is years, maybe even a decade away. Think again. Sexuality permeates our society. Our kids are exposed to it every day in the media and our society. You can’t walk through the mall without seeing explicit images in store
windows—and not just at Victoria’s Secret. Sex is used to sell products from toothpaste to cars and everything in
between. Consider the recent Cadillac ad: “When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?”

“Kids are being sold a way of thinking about success,” said Dr. Sharon Maxwell, clinical psychologist and author of the new book, The Talk: A Breakthrough Guide to Raising Healthy Kids in an Oversexualized, Online, In-Your-Face World. According to Maxwell, parents might assume that children are unaware of the media messages that surround us, but that’s just not the case. “Kids see it all and they are making assumptions about what is ‘normal’ and ‘expected’ from what they see,” Maxwell said. Children need guidance from someone who cares about them to navigate the treacherous path through adolescence and beyond.

This doesn’t mean we need to begin discussing the intricacies of intimacy with our six-year-olds, but there are ways to broach the subject. Edmond dad Paul White recalls something he told his daughter when she was very young, “Cute is nice, but good is better.” Statements like this are simple enough to be understood by children and also let them know where we stand on using attractiveness to get their way.

The media messages of sexiness can be particularly confusing to children who have not yet experienced feelings of sexual desire. “Kids don’t see how the biology aspect relates to desire,” Maxwell said. But every child has felt the desire for food and using that can provide a context for developing self control.

Maxwell suggests an approach that can help children “learn how to control and direct desire responsibly” that can be used with kids as young as three or four. When your child says she is hungry and asks for a snack, ask her how hungry she is—have her rate her hunger on a scale of 1 to 10. Once she’s told you, acknowledge how hard it must be to control that hunger and say something like, “I bet you couldn’t wait one minute to eat.” Some children may respond by telling you they can wait longer than that. Others may agree with you. Either way, you’ve begun a dialogue about wanting something and not getting it instantly.

Next, talk about the power that hunger has, how it is driving their actions (prompting them to ask for a snack rather than playing) and recognize the energy associated with that hunger. Praise your child for being able to contain their hunger. “Kids feel proud of themselves when they can control themselves,” Maxwell said. This exercise teaches delayed gratification and self control. You’ve also been given the opportunity to label “wanting something” as “desire.”

Seeing a toddler throw a tantrum in a store can also offer the opportunity to talk to your older child about self control and redirecting the energy of desire. You could say to your child, “He’s little, he hasn’t learned yet about using his energy in a different way. All he knows to do is kick and scream because he isn’t getting what he wants.”

Acknowledging the energy of desire becomes especially important once children enter adolescence. “Every thirteen-year-old girl who walks down the corridors of middle school in a tight-fitting tank top feels the power of being sexy,” says Maxwell. Recognizing this power and the complicated emotions that accompany it is a step toward
disengaging from the media myths regarding sexuality. This can also open the door to conversations about matching the level of sexy to the task at hand. While it is doubtful that teens and parents will ever agree completely on clothing choices, discussing it may at least prompt a teen to think about how they are dressing and why

Once the power and energy of sex is recognized, parents can also talk about how that energy can be redirected in a responsible manner. Creative expression and physical exercise are both possibilities. “The coach’s old refrain, ‘No sex before the game,’ is testament to our intuition that sexual energy can be transformed,” Maxwell wrote.

Although her book is titled, The Talk, Maxwell said conversations with teens about sexuality need to be ongoing. “You wouldn’t have just one conversation with your child about controlling their anger,” she said. In our culture, young people have to deal with the ethics of sexual behavior for a longer period of time than at any other point in human history. The average American girl gets her period around age 12, then it will likely be 10 to 15 years before she gets married. During those years, young people are making sexual decisions on their own, apart from their parents.

“If we don’t help our children develop guidelines for responsible sexual behavior, then we are not preparing them,” Maxwell said. “It would be like giving them car keys without sending them to drivers’ ed.” Some parents may feel awkward about talking with their children about sexuality, and Maxwell admits that it’s not easy. “But, then nothing about adolescence is easy.” But the repercussions from not talking to your children about desire are far too great not to do it.

“Just like hunger, sex is just one more desire to deal with,” Maxwell said. Confronting it on this level may make it easier to face. Some parents might worry that they’ll botch it up, but Maxwell says not to worry about that. “You’re going to get it better than MTV.”

About the author and her book
In 1998, Dr. Sharon Maxwell was driving her seven-year-old son home from school when he asked if she knew what a stripper was. She did her best to stay calm and continue the discussion. But his question was a wake-up call for her.

“Someone else was teaching my seven-year-old about sex and I wanted it to be me,” she writes in the introduction
to The Talk. Knowing she couldn’t be the only parent with this sentiment, she began developing parent workshops on talking to kids about sex. She also became involved in developing a sex education curriculum for fifth graders. She learned that while most adolescents have a grasp of the biological aspects, many hadn’t been taught about the value of self-discipline and how to behave as a responsible sexual person.

In The Talk, Maxwell offers a fresh look at sex education by connecting the dots between biology, the power of desire, emotional intimacy and the spiritual components of sexuality.

Gayleen Rabakukk is a freelance writer who spends her time in Edmond keeping up with her teenage and preschool daughters.